Some of you have already heard that in March Kashmira found out that a new life was growing inside of her, and then that very same day began showing unmistakable signs of miscarriage. We grieved the loss of that baby quietly initially, and continued going about our normal life. A few weeks later it became clear that her body was experiencing something other than a normal miscarriage, and she finally went in early on a Sunday morning to get checked. The prognosis was that yes, indeed there had been a pregnancy, and the fetus had died, but was actually lodged in one of her fallopian tubes (ectopic pregnancy – impossible to carry to term), rather than having planted in (and passed out of) her uterus. By early afternoon she was in surgery, and the doctor removed both the 7 week-old fetus and her right fallopian tube (which were both brought up for Iven to see in a plastic bag, before Kashmira woke up from surgery – things are a little different here, sometimes).
Learning that a baby had died inside her, remained in that state for two weeks, and then was removed via surgery suddenly made the loss very real, and painful in ways we did not anticipate. Kashmira recovered from surgery fairly quickly and life continued on. Our doctor made sure we understood that it was very possible to have another baby, though statistically the chances were about half as likely as before (given that Kashmira would only ovulate every other month now). About two weeks after the surgery, Kashmira had a vivid dream that she woke up in a hospital room, heard Iven talking on the phone but with his back turned to her, and when she propped herself up on her elbows she saw a tiny person with a full head of hair in a newborn hospital “box” (what do you call those things?) sleeping peacefully. She said quietly, “Hello (insert baby’s name – we’re not telling yet). Its nice to meet you.” Kashmira woke up befuddled and wondering. Our first two kids’ names (and consequently genders) came to us in the middle of the night in similar ways. Hmmm. So, all that to say, two weeks later a positive pregnancy test confirmed what God had already told her – that we will be welcoming a new little person into our family in mid-January. (Note: that while this dream confirmed for Kashmira, what God had already spoken to her – Iven did not have that dream, and when at our first (and second – the day Kashmira was headed out of the country for 11 days for the wedding of a family member) doctors visits following the positive test the doctor was still expressing serious concern regarding Kashmira’s health and the health of the new baby, Iven’s anxiety levels went through the roof until the third doctor visit where we saw a healthy little person with a healthy little heart beat in the middle of a healthy womb.) Five years ago God spoke to us clearly and asked us to trust Him with our birth control, and we have sought to be faithful in that (not sure if that means forever or not – we revisit that question with God on a fairly regular basis!) But for now that means that we have chosen to remain open, and to trust that God’s hand is with us in whatever twists and turns our fertility journey may take – consequently we were curious as to how losing a fallopian tube might affect things. Even as our family’s journey has been one of trusting in the goodness of our heavenly Father to care for us and guide us, these past few months have been difficult. And yet it does feel a bit like resurrection. This baby growing now (4 months along) is a completely different person than the one that died in April, but God is using this journey in our family to remind us of His care and attention towards His people in both seasons of loss and celebration.
Leave a Reply